fieten I love working with children and truly see them as a gift from God. I have been a child life specialist for about ten years, working with children and teenagers in the hospital environment. View all articles | Contact author

How do I tell them?  Helping children cope with death…..

Like many parents, you may find it difficult to talk with your child about death. It is normal to want to protect your child. And, most parents simply don’t know how to explain death. Children want to be included in the grieving process. What’s important is talking to them in words they can understand, allowing them to grieve and helping them grow from the experience.

It is important to talk to children based on their age, developmental level and current understanding of the concept of death.  Here are some guidelines:

n  Infants: Do not understand death, but sense the feelings and routine changes that often occur surrounding a death.

n  Toddlers: Death is not permanent.  Children of this age fear separation more than death.

n  School-age: Beginning understanding of death as being permanent, yet not universal.  Death is personified and is selective.

n  Pre-adolescence: Death is permanent and universal.  They are curious about death and details surrounding death.

n  Adolescence: Most adolescents have an adult understanding of death.

Children should be included in information sharing, as long as it is developmentally appropriate, honest and accurate. Expressions of sadness should be shared. Helping your child (ren) through the grieving process helps them develop coping strategies for use throughout life.

Breaking the news to children:

n  Meet them where they are (in terms of coping and understanding)

n  Be honest (Speak slowly with pauses)

n  Be there

n  Meet the child where he/she is (listen to what is being asked)

n  Actualize the loss/acknowledge feelings (Help the child identify feelings, encourage expression)

n  Provide privacy

n  Offer support (Provide reassurance, follow with a plan)

n  Be consistent in information that is shared

n  Use concrete terms that will avoid confusion (Ex. Grandpa has died)

For example, Grandpa was very sick.  The doctors tried to help grandpa by giving him medicine, but the medicine did not work.  Grandpa’s body worked very hard to get better, but it wasn’t able to.  His body got tired of working hard to get better and stopped working.  Grandpa died. This means that Grandpa will not be with us in person anymore, but that his memory and our memories of him will always be in our hearts.  It is okay to be sad, to feel angry, I feel sad too…..

What to avoid in conversations with children:

n  Avoid overloading children with unnecessary information.

n  Avoid staring at the child.

n  Offering platitudes.

n  Using clichés (Ex. Jesus wanted Grandpa in heaven with Him. Or, Sissy was so good that Jesus wanted her in heaven.)

Offering platitudes, such as “he isn’t in pain anymore,” can be interpreted as justifying the death. Using clichés, such as “grandpa passed away,” can call up questions.  Children may wonder, “Where did grandpa pass to?” “If he has gone to a better place, can I go too?”  Younger children may see this as a “move” and my wonder why grandpa cannot move back.  Suggesting that “grandma was so good that God called her home” may illicit feelings of anger toward God or may cause a child to exhibit less than desirable behavior as a means to prevent God from “calling” him/her too.

Potential reactions of bereaved children:

n  Sadness

n  Anger

n  Loneliness

n  Guilt

n  Fear

n  Physical symptoms (headaches/stomachaches)

n  Need to talk about death

n  Acting out

n  “Clingy” behavior

n  Acting too “good”

n  Withdrawal

n  Changes in sleep patterns

n  Changes in appetite

n  Regression

Ways that you can help:

§  Take developmental level into consideration. Younger children need shorter explanations and detail.  Older children require more information and detail.

§  Speak slowly with plenty of pauses for information to be processed. Observe if the child is “tuning out.” This is the child’s way of saying, “it is enough for now.”

§  Offer support.

§  Follow information with a plan.

§  Help child identify feelings.

§  Understand if the child would rather play than cry.  Play is familiar and comfortable. It allows for the expression of feelings.

§  Encourage expression of feelings.

§  Help child find good memories.

§  Be patient.

§  Be there. (Really be there, children can tell if you are preoccupied with other things.)

§  Meet the child where he/she is.

§  Provide reassurance that there is an adult who will take care of him/her.

§  Include the child in the funeral planning/process.

You know your child best.  Your child will take his/her cues from you.  Your child will learn coping strategies from you that will carry on into adulthood.

Activities that can help the child at the time of death/in preparation of death:

n  Art expression (taking pictures, making pictures)

n  Letters (writing a letter to the loved one)

n  Memory boxes (a box where the child can put items that remind them of loved one that can be pulled out at a later time to remember)

n  Shadow boxes (a box where the child can put items that remind them of loved one that can be mounted in honor of loved one)

n  Journal

n  Scrap booking

After the death has occurred, children can and should be included in the funeral arrangements.  Children can be included by:

n  Allowing the child to choose the loved one’s favorite music

n  Allowing the child to choose the loved one’s favorite “love” item

n  Allowing the child to choose the loved one’s favorite clothing

n  Creating memory boards to post at the funeral or visitation

Below is a list of books that may be helpful to you as you help your child (ren) cope with death.

·        Buscaglia, L. The fall of Freddie the leaf.

·        Hanson, W. (1997). The next place. Waldman House Press.

·        Johnson, J. & Johnson, M. Tell me, Papa.

·        McLaughlin, K. (2001). The memory box. Omaha, NE: Centering Corporation.

·        Mills, J. Gentle Willow.

·        Richmond, M. (2000). A gift of a memory. Minneapolis, MN: Marianne Richmond Studios, Inc.

·        Samuel-Traisman, E. (1994). Remember…a child remembers. Omaha, NE: Centering Corporation.

·        Temes, R. (1992). The empty place. Far Hills, NJ: Small Horizons.

Children can understand death, according to their developmental level, and do grieve. Each person’s grief is unique. Children are affected by death, and do need to be included in the grieving process. Death is a part of life. Children want to be included in the grieving process.  It is good to talk with your child about dying in conceptual terms before an unexpected death occurs.