Fulltime Mama My name is Elizabeth, and I am the happy wife of nine years to Fabio and fulltime mama to four beautiful children: Joshua-7, Dominique 5, Israel- 3, and Johann-18 months! We are currently living in Brazil as missionaries and life never ceases to be an adventure!!! I love motherhood with a passion and am passionate about providing a place here at MamaKnowsBest where mothers can learn, grow, and share ... pooling the wisdom of many into one big jackpot for mothers. View all articles | Contact author

I am so excited that MamaKnowsBest has had the chance to interview Mrs. Kendra Smiley - LIVE!  She was very

gracious to agree to this interview and I so enjoyed getting to meet her - what a godly woman and vivacious sanguine!

I hope you have read PART ONE of the interview, in which we were able to get to know Mrs. Smiley a little bit better. In this segment, she will be speaking with us about parenting, especially about parenting the strong-willed child, and answering some questions that readers sent in for her.

Stay tuned for the next two segments in which Mrs. Smiley will be speaking on marriage, and on managing a home-based business!

Also, enter a comment below to win a copy of one of Kendra's books! More info below!

      YOU CAN ENTER ONE COMMENT PER INTERVIEW SEGMENT, SO THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO IMPROVE YOUR ODDS AT WINNING A BOOK!!

And now, without further ado.....


INTERVIEW

WITH

MRS. KENDRA SMILEY


 

    I have recently read your book Journey of a Strong-Willed Child and thoroughly enjoyed it. I saw my firstborn in it so clearly! Could you tell us a little bit about why you decided to write this book and about the process of writing it together with your husband and son?

With Aaron, our middle child, we learned early on that he was very strong-willed—and let me just pause here to say that being strong-willed is not based on birth order. 

My husband, John, had also been a strong-willed child, turned responsible adult, so he had a leg-up!  He was so good at it, and we believe that strong-willed children have a thought process behind what they do. They are not just stubborn children that do what they do just to see how far they can get – no! They have a strategy!  And Aaron, from the get-go, had a strategy! 

So, when he was a freshman in college – and by that time he was a formerly-strong-willed-child-turned-responsible-adult –  I mentioned to one of John's relatives that Aaron had been a strong-willed child. She had only seen him about once a year, and he had been very polite, so she found it hard to believe!

So I want to stop here and make that point too – It doesn't matter whether or not you are strong-willed; that is not an excuse for poor behavior!  Yes, Aaron was strong-willed, but we could have taken him to meet the president of the United States, and he would have been respectful.

So anyway, she couldn't believe that he had been strong-willed, and asked if they could meet with us and talk.  So, it was Good Friday on Aaron's freshman year of college and he was coming home for Easter weekend. Their son had declared that he wanted to be a farmer and a pilot – that's an interesting combination, but that's what my husband is and has been for years, since he quit teaching school. So, they wanted John to convince their son that if he wanted to do that, he need to finish seventh grade, and pass, because at the time it was kind of a questionable thing for him!

So, we were talking with the boy, and later the kids went outside to play and we were sharing with them some deep things about Aaron, when lo and behold, Aaron walked in the door!  My first thought at a mother was, "Oh, no! We're talking about him! He's going to feel so bad!"  But he didn't miss a beat! He jumped into the conversation with both hands and both feet! 

The dad started a story – a story of some notorious thing the kid had done – and Aaron stopped him before he finished. He said, "Wait. Im going to tell you exactly what your kid did, and then I'm going to tell you why he did it." We all thought, "Okay….", but Aaron told the dad and mom exactly what the child had done and what he had been thinking about when he did it.

The dad just sat there, as if this giant light bulb had gone off above his head. I think it was the first time the man thought, "Oh, so you mean my kid doesn't just do this to aggravate me??  You mean there is a thought pattern, so that Aaron could even predict what this kid was thinking??"

I went to bed that night and could hardly sleep. In the morning I said, "John, God wants us to write a book about being strong-willed." And, obviously, we had to get Aaron's by-in, because he's the star of the show!  He calls himself a one-hit wonder, because he'll never probably write another book.

But, he is so delightfully honest, even though these are not beautiful stories. Someone asked him once, "Why do you bother to do this?", and we came up with a perfect analogy: After the resurrection, Christ came back, still with the wounds in his hands, and he was able to minister to people – to Thomas especially, by showing the wounds in his hands.  And Aaron says that he knows he can minister to people by the wounds in his life. He's an incredible kid!    

   I have a question about strong-willed children:  In your book, you talk about "choosing your battles wisely", especially with a strong-willed child. It made a lot of sense to me, even though I had thought previously that that was just another way of saying that you let the child have his own way instead of obeying properly. Can you explain the difference?

Typically, a strong-willed child is willing to debate with you all day.  Remember that it is crucial that you win the battles you choose to fight.  Hence, you must pick and choose.  You as the parent set the standards and the parameters.  There are some battles that must be fought.  Those fall under the headings of defiance, destruction, and danger.

 You also talk about how a strong-willed child can argue their parents to death…. This is definitely my Joshua!  Yet, more often than not, it doesn't appear to be "arguing" – which is why I sometimes don't catch it until it's overboard – he just wants "explanations" for things….  You also talk about this being important to the strong-willed child, knowing the "why" behind what you are requiring of them. Can you explain the difference, or how to handle this in a practical way?

As a parent you will need to discern when the child genuinely desires an answer or in some cases, validation of their feelings or actions, and when he or she is merely asking "why" for the sport of it.  If it is "sport" then you can engage as long as you desire and then call an end to the discussion.

A couple of our readers also sent in questions for you about strong-willed children:

My firstborn, also a Joshua, would definitely be labeled strong willed. I really thought that we had made some progress. He just turned 5 a few months ago and I feel like we have digressed quite a bit. I was wondering if impulsiveness comes with strong willed. I feel like I am always nagging him about the little irritating things.

--- another Kendra

Hi, Kendra!!

Okay, first about the seeming progress and now going backward… It is not two steps forward and one step backward. It's more like building a wall – you just need a little more mortar and a few more bricks. So don't give up. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up. Keep working with that.

Impulsiveness? Well, I do think that strong opinions do go along with being strong-willed.

One more thing I want to address – about "nagging him about all the little irritating things".  Is that necessary?  What are those negative, little irritating things?  I decided, early on, that either I was going to be pro-active and lay out everybody's clothes before Sunday school and church, or if I didn't, and they dressed themselves, I was not going to have an angina over "bad plaid".  And do you know why we don't like "bad plaid"? Because it makes us look like we are not perfect! Well, guess what? Everybody around you already knows you are not! :) And no parent is perfect. 

So, since she did specifically say "little irritating things", maybe take a Lamaze cleansing breath and see if they really are significant.  Now, if he's eating bugs,  you might want to go after that one, but there really are a lot of things that you really just need to let go, as moms.

I have a Question, my 3rd child is very strong willed, and ever since about two years of age, every time he is disciplined or told "no" he screams. Now he is four.
My first two did not do this so I'm at a loss as far as how to handle him. Do you have any tips to help with a child like this?  --- athomemama

A child will do what you allow them to do. For example, when we would have to spank Aaron, which hurts – if it doesn't hurt, it's ridiculous and you are just hurting yourself – so, when Aaron would get spanked, my husband would say, "Okay you have 2 minutes (or whatever) to cry." And then would come another consequence.

Or, about the screaming, when it's not in the heat of the battle, just when you are having a nice day in the park, say to your child, "We need to talk about your screaming. We just really are not going to accept that any more. So, that is just going to be against the rules. That means when Mom or Dad say something like no, you may not scream. So, if you choose to do that, this will be the consequence for that."  And the consequence can be whatever you choose it to be. And you have to follow through.

 They want more than anything, more than any other kind of child, they want for you to be the real deal. And they are going to test to make sure you really are. So, be the parent!    

 Could you tell us a little bit about your book BE THE PARENT: Seven Choices You Can Make to Raise Great Kids?

The main message is Be.The.Parent! We have a group of young adults starting to be parents who are kind of reticent about taking their job! And it's a wonderful, stressful, difficult job. It's a responsibility; it's a privilege to be a parent, and they've kind of abdicated the throne.

This title came about because John and Aaron and I were doing a conference for the Strong-Willed Child and we opened it up for questions at the end. Well, there was this gentleman in the back, and as I recall he was about 6'3", a great big masculine guy, and he raised his hand and was just as honest as can be and he said, "My wife and I have one child, a 3 year old daughter, and she is running the show. What can we do?"

And John had a three word answer for him, "Be the parent". It's your job, your privilege, your responsibility. And we realized that we were saying that a lot – almost like we were giving people permission, like they were needing some one to give them permission.

Another question I remember, early on, was a woman who asked me, "Do I have to give my 3 year old a snack, right before dinner?" And I asked her, "Do you want your three year old to have a snack right before dinner?"  And she said, "No." And I said, "You know what? You don't have to!" I then gave her some strategies and some things she could do. And later she came up and gave me a big hug and thanked me for telling her that!

Does it make your job easier? Ya, but that's not why you are doing it!  You're doing it for love of your child. Because you are called to. They cannot be the parent. They are not smart enough to be the parent. They don't have enough experience to be the parent. It's not God's plan for them to be the parent.

So, the subtitle is: Seven Choices You Can Make to Raise Great Kids. And what is a "great kid"? Someone who loves God, who obeys God, and who glorifies Him with their lives.

John and I have our own definition of what it means to glorify God with our lives. We believe that God put inside each one of us a "song". And when you sing that song back to God, you are glorifying God.  Some people think you have to be a missionary or a pastor to be glorifying God, but no. If you are singing your song back to God, you can be a football coach, you can be a veterinarian, you can be a dentist, and if you are singing your song to God, you are glorifying Him with you life.

NOW, TO WIN A BOOK!!! Mrs. Smiley has given two copies each of four of her books for readers of MamaKnowsBest!  Simply leave a comment below to be entered in the drawing, which will take place after the last of the article segments is published. YOU MAY LEAVE ONE COMMENT PER INTERVIEW SEGMENT, SO HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO INCREASE YOUR ODDS AT WINNING A BOOK!!!  You do not have to be a member to leave a comment and enter the drawing!!! If you have a preference about which book you would like, you may include that in your comment. MORE INFO ABOUT HER BOOKS HERE: Kendra Smiley's books.    BE the Parent: Seven Choices You Can Make to Raise Great Kids High Wire Mom: Balancing Your Family and a Business @ Home Do Your Kids a Favor.... Love Your Spouse Journey of a Strong-Willed Child