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Published : June 08, 2009 |
Author : ckeavy
Category : S. Encouragement for Mama | Total Views
: 233 | Rating :  
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 ckeavy
Carey lives in Watertown, Minnesota with her four beautiful boys and husband Jeff. She is the author of "Raising Your Own Children," a book used as a tool to help moms come home to their kids after working full-time. Carey was a SAHM for 13 years, homeschooling her children for 6 of those years. Her kids are now in school full-time, and she recently opened a clothing boutique. She also works as a musician, and is the worship leader for Watermark Community Church.
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Perfectionism--
Enemy of the Good Life
by Carey Keavy
“And none of us is
perfectly qualified . We get it wrong nearly every time we open our
mouths. If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true—you
would have a perfect person, in perfect control of life.”
~James 3:2
Yes,
I’ll admit this--I struggle with perfectionism. I have read that
first-born children will naturally lean toward perfectionism. I am a
first-born. Perhaps you are a first-born. Perhaps you see it in your own
first- born child. Maybe you are married to a perfectionist or know
someone who has these tendencies. Everything done must be to
perfection. We perfectionists don’t just do something--we DO SOMETHING.
We DO it to excess. If we organize our books on the shelf, they don’t
just look nice--they are ordered in accordance with the Library of
Congress. If we are to take on a task, the goal then becomes to perfect
the task. But, isn’t it apparent? When we set a perfect standard for
ourselves, the standard will NEVER be reached. We can never attain the
goal of perfection. It will never happen. Yet, we foolishly continue to
set the standard.
Perfectionism can be both a curse and a
blessing. We can use it in our lives to assist us in accomplishing
goals we have set for ourselves. Perfectionists are driven. That’s the
blessing part. The curse is the “obsessive” portion of perfectionism in
which tasks are often the center of attention until complete. When a
perfectionist works on a project, it may consume their life until it’s
flawless. This pursuit of precision sometimes includes verbally
thrashing ourselves for not having done a little bit better. We say
things to ourselves like, “That part looks pretty good, but I wish the
other part would have turned out better.” When complimented on certain
tasks done well, we may reply with a comment about something we could
have improved. There is also the shame associated with perfectionism
that can often lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair. When one
is constantly setting unattainable goals and failing to reach their
expectations, depression will eventually ensue. This is the curse.
Perfectionism
not only arises in the face of projects, but also in the midst of
relationships. We may have a desire to be the perfect mother,
housewife, wife and friend. We may try to excel in these areas and feel
like a failure when we fall short. We may feel shame when we miss our
friend’s birthday, or when we slip and yell at the kids. We may feel
despair in the moment our mother-in-law unexpectedly arrives and our
perfect house is not in perfect shape. There is no grey area for the
perfectionist. They don’t claim they’ve made a simple mistake—they
internally proclaim themselves as the “worst mother” or the “most
horrible friend in the world.”
This monster of perfectionism
can steal the joy from almost any event. Entertaining others in our
homes can become a self-induced stress escapade. We fail to enjoy our
company as we bounce around the house creating the faultless dinner
party. Only there is one fault we overlook—the fact that we are
emotionally unavailable and cold to our guests in our preoccupation
with supremacy.
There is a distinct difference between
excellence and perfectionism. Excellence is the decision to do
everything to the best of your ability while accepting the fact that it
will never reach perfection. Excellence will never include shame or
negative self- talk. When I think of healthy excellence, I think of the
Amish woodworkers who create exquisite furniture pieces. They toil with
their hands to do their best to make the project flawless. After they
finish, they add either a scuff, dent or a scratch to the piece to
remind them that only God can reach perfection. This is an act of
humility. They’ve accepted the fact that they are finite humans and
don’t waste their time pursuing a position that’s already been
filled—God’s position.
Why do we fall into the trap of
perfectionism? We can attempt to pinpoint the many reasons, but in the
end our lists will all lead to the same root cause— fear. Why are we so
afraid? We’re afraid people will not accept us if we fail. We are
afraid that others will not respect or revere us if we don’t measure
up. We are afraid that if others find the imperfection behind the
mask—they will no longer want to be with us or around us. These are the
real reasons behind perfectionism, disillusioned as they may seem.
Funny isn’t it? We would certainly never expect that those around us
attain perfection before they are worthy or our companionship, would
we?! Yet, we believe that others are expecting perfection of us. Silly
stinkin’ thinkin’, ain’t it?
Isn’t it time that we stop trying
to be what we’re not? God is the only perfect being. Why are we trying
to steal His job from Him? We have the opportunity to accept our
humanity which comes to us in a package wrapped in ribbons of mistakes
and bows of shortcomings. Wouldn’t it be freeing to admit that we are
flawed creatures? This is the first step in overcoming the disease of
perfectionism. We may never measure up to our own standards or those we
feel others hold for us—but we will always measure up to God. He loves
us for the imperfect little creations He made us to be. He will never
expect faultlessness from us. We are perfected only through Christ. So
let’s cut ourselves some slack, shall we?
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 Comments and Discussion Wall |
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 Posted by Missy on June 08, 2009 |
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Great post. I am still learning about this subject. Recently, God has been teaching me to have confidence in my weaknesses, to answer those criticizing, unhappy relatives as, "Yes, isn't it amazing that God would choose such an imperfect vessel as me to be blessed with His blessings (children). He still chose me despite my weaknesses. He is so kind and good." I am learning not to be intimidated by those denegrating comments, taking a quiet confidence in Him who has equipped me to do what he has called me to do.
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