Jeanie1 Sandra Nardoni is a home educating adoptive mother of three. Sandra mentors adoptive homeschoolers who are struggling to teach children with attachment issues and severe behaviors. You can visit her site at www.adoptioncounts.com/blog View all articles | Contact author

I have more and more conversations about building family unity
and striving for good relationships within the family, while
balancing that desire with the reality that our kids need solid
friendships and positive social interactions. As our kids have
grown to love each other post adoption, I've noticed a few things
that have helped them to increase in their love for one another,
and at the same time enjoy friendships outside our home.

The first thing I know that has helped more than anything else is
saying no. Saying no to sports teams, scout troops, too many 4-H
projects and meetings, and generally too much activity outside
the four walls of our home has been key. Turns out, busyness
allows us as parents to avoid facing conflict and character
problems that naturally arise when personalities are together for
days at a time.

It is far too easy to pretend your kids are getting along okay
when you are wrapped up in 5 or more activities per week that
segregate your family. In addition, kids don't have to resolve
their differences when they are seldom together. I have a wise
friend who pointed out to me that siblings do occasionally fight,
and that nearly constant bickering might be normal by today's
standards, but it certainly isn't God's model for the family.

If your kids can't play together for more than 5 minutes without
a fight, and that is the norm in your house, my first suggestion
would be to bring them home. Pull them out of some activities so
you have at least 3 nights per week at home, even if you
homeschool. Stay close to them and teach them how to interact
without fighting.

Here are some ideas to replace outside activities so that you can
not only build family relationships, but your kids won't be
focused as much on what they perceive they are missing out on.

1. Have a regular family game night.

2. Take walks together.

3. Sign up for a YMCA membership so you can exersize and swim
together.

4. Play sports in your yard together and with neighbors.

5. Host a teen game night and participate in the games with your
kids.

Because your presence has this effect, and because any good
behavior must be practiced to become second nature, activities
outside the home must comprise a small percentage of your
children's experience.  Remember: sports, lessons and groups like
scouts are all good things-- but they won't mean very much in the
long run if your children have fractured family relationships.
This is especially true for adoptees.  Adoption already engenders
feelings of isolation and lonliness for many people.  Sibling
rivalry can make an already difficult situation much worse.

Choose your outside activities carefully, setting up guidelines
to help you decide each time you are faced with a request,
whether or not it meets your criteria.  Some good baseline
questions to ask to determine an activity's worth:  If I allow
this activity, will my family still be able to have dinner
together at least four evenings a week?  Will I have the phyiscal
and emotional energy to continue to engage my children if I allow
this activity? and How will this activity affect my children's
bedtime?  All these answers ultimately affect your familial
relationships.

One day your child will wake up 60 years old and no longer be
able to play football. The great friends he made in Little League
will be living half way across the country and have their own
families and lives.  Their siblings however, have the potential
at that point to be some of the best friends they have.  The
question is, will they be living with the regret that they have
functioned in the same house for nearly 20 years with siblings
they still don't know or appreciate? Sibling rivalry isn't just
child's play--it has long term consequences.

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